Communication. A topic I’ve touched on in other blogs, and one I’ve highlighted as being extremely important in other blogs. Indeed, I would say it is the MOST important thing when it comes to any D/s relationship; whether that be lifestyle, professional, or a full FLR. I wanted to especially write about this, as I think explaining good communication, and showing it in practice could improve so many dynamics.
I want to preface this by saying that the level of communication you have in a D/s relationship should be entirely dependent on the level of intimacy/commitment/arrangement with your Domme. What I will discuss here was a conversation I had in a general chat with my Mistress. Now we had this in a general chat as I’m earning my collar, and so we are beyond a casual client-provider relationship. Though you still want to communicate with your Domme if you are just a sub who occasionally sees your Mistress, or moves around Mistresses (nothing wrong with that), then the deepness of conversation and topics you cover should not extend this far unless agreed. A Dominatrix is a service provider, you wouldn’t randomly start telling your bank for instance how you are feeling low, or other general concerns not relating to you banking with them or your finances. With your Domme then you should not suddenly start messaging out the blue saying you are low, or constantly seeking advice from them, or taking up their time messaging when not directly about your sessions. As I said this applies to more casual D/s relationships, deeper one’s such as mine or a D/s couple, should address these things when they occur and be talked about as they will impact the dynamic. To summarise this bit communication is important, but what you communicate about, and the depths you go to in these topics should match the level of dynamic with your Mistress.
To my example then and i was feeling a bit low, and had started having some self doubts, so contacted Mistress about writing about it and messaging her with it to get her thoughts. Lady Scarlett being the wonderful person she is told me to tell her there and then so we could get to the bottom of it. The first thing I did was say about feeling low and listed my reasons. This was important firstly for me as it actually made me think about them, not just wallow in feeling low. Once you do that it’s easier to rationalise about them, if it’s stuff you can change, then change it, if not then why worry about it. Just listing them down did make me feel better as I realised some, such as jetlag and feeling a bit ill, would pass soon enough. What also helped was Mistresses response, we didn’t dwell on it but she simply said “that’s understandable”. It helped me validate that I wasn’t just complaining about nothing, and also reminded me that’s it’s okay to sometimes feel a bit low. You can’t be happy all the time, and that’s okay, as long as you know why and don’t let it get you down for too long. Too often we try to run away from sadness, when sometimes you just need to accept it, have a quick chat about it, and then let it pass. (Writing this I’ve realised I’ve basically just given you the life lesson from Inside Out, great movie, go watch it.)
The bigger issue, and one that was contributing to me feeling low, was my self doubt. I had basically started questioning whether I was doing well enough in sessions, why I hadn’t hit sub space in a while, questioning my own commitment to my outside session rules, and overall just my ability to be the sub Lady Scarlett wants and expects me to be to earn my collar. Now there’s a bit to unpack here, so to begin with I’ll just answer the session standards part. I was specifically questioning my pain and anal play in the previous sessions where I haven’t taken it aswell as I felt I should have. Mistress kindly reminded me that we are working on it and there’s stuff in the out of session service I’m doing which will help, such as getting some training plugs so I’m not as tight going into sessions. Here communication was key as it reminded me that I’m on a journey, and you can’t just get to the end immediately, you have to train yourself and things will get to where they need to given time. Patience is key and this communication helped me remember that.
The next thing I want to talk about is my worry about not reaching subspace. This has always been a bit of a thing for me. It could be because it’s discussion is so prevalent online, maybe because it’s treated like a nirvana for Subs, maybe because I’ve never been sure until the last year what it was and hadn’t really experienced it till now. Whatever the reason, its always been a high I’ve chased, and since finally experiencing it I’ve unfairly used it as my measuring stick for sessions. Not I must stress for how good the Mistress was in them, but how much I let go and how good a sub I was. What I’ve realised from communicating with Lady Scarlett is that this is the wrong way of thinking about it, as it can’t be forced. There’s no particular trigger for me, no guarantee of it, so why am I relying on that as my barometer. I could do everything perfect and still for whatever Easton not hit sub space. The other eye opening line for me was when Mistress said “Subspace is good but also in some respects it means you aren’t fully connecting. You’re off elsewhere. I prefer you present with me.”
I had never thought of it like that, and now in some ways I realise my drive for it as my ultimate goal in a session was selfish. Yes it’s something to look forward to maybe experiencing, and a wonderful sensation, but surely my ultimate measure should be did I achieve in session what Mistress wanted me to, did I please her, is she happy? That is what I strive for after all. It also made me appreciate how deeply Mistress thinks about what we do during a session and how she tries to pull the best out of me. Knowing this I can understand how always floating away every session would make it hard to push and work together towards my goals. Lastly, and for me most heart warming though, was that part of Lady Scarlett’s enjoyment comes from that bond, that connection that is unique in a session where Domme and sub work together to push further than before. The electricity that creates, that shared high of the power of the Mistress taking over the sub, relishing it, and the sub accepting it and relishing it too, its not the same in subspace. I know when I’ve been in subspace I’m glazed over, I’m not feeding back, I’m for all intents and purposes a zombie, or how I imagine a drug addict is after scoring. Yes I’m sure that gives a Mistress a high seeing that, knowing they’ve done that. But I now appreciate me not being in subspace and truly feeding back what’s happening, you might even say truly suffering for Mistress, can give them a massive rush too, and I’d never thought of that. Now knowing this, and that Mistress enjoys this connection with me the most, I honestly cannot wait for our next session where I’m going to stop chasing subspace. My soul purpose is on improvement and enjoying Mistress having her full hold on me, and seeing her joy as I suffer for her. Communication here has literally changed my outlook on sessions and made me more determined than ever to excel in them, aswell as making me more accepting and appreciative of my kink history.
So the last bit then was my outside session commitment, and just if I could be the sub that Lady Scarlett wants me to be. I’m not going to go Into details about what my requirements of service are, but as should be clear, they are high and constant. One which I can say is wearing womens underwear and tights everyday. Being on a family holiday and sharing a room I tried but couldn’t take any with me, and so felt great guilt over this, aswell as not being able to be in chastity. I came up with a compromise of taking a tribute picture in the bathroom each day. A couple of times I didn’t do this, yet could have, and so felt bad. I also recently hadn’t kept up with my anal stretching so this has now been increased, and I’ve had my blog frequency increased as it was felt I wasn’t being regular enough. This along with other recent increases in strictness and duties as I step up my service and get closer to proving my worth as a personal sub, had me questioning whether I was really cut out for this, especially when mixed with my previous 2 self doubts. I communicated this all to Mistress and I could not be more glad I did. Her first observation, and one which is completely true (might come across in these blogs too sometimes), is that I spend way too much time in my own head, I just like to overthink things, both in Vanilla and Kink life. (Perfect example see last blog on session day thoughts). It’s partly why I’ve chased subspace in the past, to try and relax and not have the ability to think, and also partly why I do these blogs, it helps to write down things and get feedback.
This was a strong enough observation, but what really made me realise how foolish my self doubt had been, was what Mistress said next. Firstly she pointed out that if she wasn’t questioning my service, why was I, and then linked this and the wanting subspace so I didn’t think. She then said the following: “But in session and pretty much otherwise I’m thinking. So right now if you flip it you’re second guessing and questioning my judgement.” I hated this as it made complete sense and completely flipped how I was thinking. What I perceived as self doubts was in a way me questioning Lady Scarlett. She asks me to do stuff for a reason, she does stuff with me for a reason. She is always truthful and direct, so I know if I’m not hitting her standards and if she is unhappy. So by questioning my level of service when Mistress had not, I was questioning her judgement, her ability to mentor me and to oversee my development. This quickly kicked me out of my self doubt mindset and I couldn’t be more grateful to Mistress for making me think this way. This is where communication with your Domme can be so key, it can change your whole mindset, give you a renewed focus, and change the way you think. I wouldn’t dream of doubting myself now or questioning my service unless Lady Scarlett directed me in some way to.
A summary then of something that though very personal to me, and my journey, is something I see subs go through everyday on twitter, and I’m sure many more subs go through in private. So my message to all you subs is this – if appropriate to your D/s relationship, never fail to contact your Mistress if you are feeling low if it has anything to do with a part of your dynamic. If you have concerns over your service or what you’ve experienced, contact them, communicate your feelings as that’s the only way they can be sorted. If you are having self doubts tell them. Maybe like me it will be your own mind playing with you and their words can make you realise this and change your way of thinking. If you could indeed do better then they will tell you and at least then you know what to work on. If you don’t communicate though, none of this can happen. Communication is the key, use it and unlock your full potential.
Bloom and Grow